Throughout the whole process, bittersweet hadn't even occurred to me until it hit me - and in the effort of being honest, it hit me pretty hard. I think our 'car' was lacking airbags because it hurt.
This weekend our power went out on Sunday and the roast we had in the oven didn't finish cooking properly. We packed up shop and took the boys for a fall drive to the country side for lunch. Little did I know, but this was uniquely designed plan to help me realize something.
It soon occurred to us that this would be the last day like this for the 4 of us as we know it. You see, these kids we are potentially adopting are moving into our house soon. Don't get me wrong, we are very excited about what the new family will look like and the memories that will come with that. But for years, it has been the 4 of us. So many good times with the most amazing 3 people in my life. Those simple memory making rides, experiences, moments of laughter and joy are becoming just that. Memories
Kelly and I will be the first to tell you what blessed parents we are with these 2 boys. We have enjoyed the last 8 years more than we ever thought we would. But now that changes. Bittersweet....very bittersweet.
Admittedly, the more I began to realize this, the more I broke down with sobbing multiple times. This was then magnified by how amazingly the boys responded to me in those moments. With love, concern and care - How beautiful they are. This then lead to an array of thoughts and emotions in me. I couldn't shake them.
- As the "head' of my household, am I leading my family down a road that will affect myself, Kelly and the boys in a negative way?
- Regret? Are we doing the right thing?
- We have opened an emotional, stress-inducing, money-pulling door that will change our life forever.
- What will the teen years look like?
- and so on.
As usual, a great moment of prayer with Kelly to close the evening helped right the ship. Are we still emotional, yes? Are we confident in God's calling, yes - however this ends up. We stay the course and be parental examples in God's love, mercy, acceptance and redemption. For our boys and any future world changers the God brings our way. We will be obedient to that.
6 comments:
I love you Aaron. I understand what it is that you are saying.I cried reading your article. Because I KNOW what wonderful, loving people that you all are. You will be such a blessing to the girls. "FEAR NOT, for I know the plans that I have made for you." Love, Barb R.
Aaron, I have to say that this was a great post. I read the "emotional side" first, then I read this one. My wife and I have brought up adoption once or twice - maybe even several times. We can't have any more children naturally, and we feel very blessed with the children that we do have. At the same time, I always wondered what it would be like to bring another child into our family who can learn about God, family time, and all of the wonderful things that come out of why God created marriage and families to begin with.
I can almost feel the overwhelming emotions that you guys are facing and will face. But trusting in God is absolutely your best course, as you are well aware. He has plans for each and every one of us whom He seeks out and who seek Him. I think to myself about bringing in another little one into our home, and the almost exact "emotional" items go through my mind that you wrote about in your other post.
I suppose because my wife and I haven't taken the conversations that we've had all that seriously yet, neither one of us has taken the next step to pray about it. But after reading this, my heart is tugging at me to pursue this further. Maybe this is a conversation that my wife and I should be having. Maybe this is why God brought me to this page today.
Faith. It is so against the grain to human logic sometimes, isn't it? I'm sitting here saying "maybe this, maybe that," but instead I should be focusing on what God is putting on my heart right here and now and run with it. Faithfully.
Thank you for these posts, Aaron. What a great way to share these very personal experiences.
Thanks for the encouragement Barb!
@Anonymous - I am glad this helped get you thinking about the possibility of something that has potentially been laid on your heart. Keep me posted!
How we can relate to the feelings you've expressed in your blog! Rich (then "Ricky") was 8yrs. old when we adopted Ken, and of course our family changed forever. What challenges we faced, dealing with something we had no knowledge of..Cerebral Palsy. But God was SO good to provide all we needed and to guide us through it all...with lots of support from church, friends, and family. And now, 37 years later, we're still facing challenges with Ken, but we've never doubted for a moment what a blessing it was that our family changed forever! We're confident that God will give you all that you need for your new family! Mark 9:36&37..someday we'll tell you how God used these verses to confirm our adoption of Ken.
I wouldn't presume to know what you're feeling but going on a faith journey by choice has its unique struggles. You are so wise to continue to be open with your emotions and to pray through them and to continually revisit the promises of God. Going through the valleys of the journey makes God's triumph all the sweeter. Parenting--whether your children are biological or heart-born--is full of questions and fears. The thing is that many of the things we fear never happen. I've got nearly 30 years on you and I'm still learning day by day to hold onto God's right hand and let Him do what He promises to do. By following God's leading you are giving your family the best example possible. Nothing else can ever matter as much as this.
Thanks for the encouragement!
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